Browsing the blog archives for December, 2010.

My Identity

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“Who am I?”  This is the question that I asked a dear friend of mine some years ago.  It was at a particularly trying time in my life.  I was under a lot of criticism for the way I lived my life – the way I related to people- and I was attacked with scarring words.  I started believing that maybe I wasn’t any good.  Maybe I WAS scum – worthless.  And everybody knew it.  Everybody knew I was this terrible person. 

God brought an incredible friend into my life during this time.  A friend who saw good in me.  A friend who saw God in me (cause He IS the good in me).  She spoke life-giving words to me.  She didn’t tell me that I was perfect and had no bad in me, but she took me to God and what He saw.  She took me to Isaiah and to God – my strength and song, my salvation, my Father. 

After sitting in a park with her one night, being incredibly encouraged, I went back to my room and typed these words in an email to her – “Who am I?”  When I was with her, I saw God.  I saw that God had placed good in me.  I saw myself as someone God wanted to use.  I saw myself God’s child.  But so quickly the lies would come flying back.  Who really am I?  Am I good or am I this terrible person that it seems some think I am. 

A couple months later I picked up a book at the store – “A Tale of Three Kings”.  I went straight from the store to the park.  I wanted answers and I wanted them now.  I read and the answers I found challenge me still.

David had a question:  What do you do when someone throws a spear at you?

Does it seem odd to you that David did not know the answer to this question?  After all, everyone else in the world knows what to do when a spear is thrown at you.  Why, you pick up the spear and throw it right back!

And in performing this small feat of returning thrown spears, you will prove many things:  You are courageous.  You stand for the right.  You boldy stand against the wrong.  You are tough and can’t be pushed around.  You will not stand for injustice or unfair treatment.  You are a defender of the faith. . .  You are after the order of King Saul.

My desire today is that there would be no remnant of King Saul left in me.  I choose, by the grace of God, to dodge spears and not throw them back.

He discovered three things that prevented him from ever being hit. 
One, never learn anything about the fashionable, easily mastered art of spear throwing.  Two, stay out of the company of all spear throwers.  And three, keep your mouth tightly closed.
In this way, spears will never touch you, even when they pierce your heart. 
(Italicized words are Gene Edwards’ from “A Tale of Three Kings”)

So who am I?  I’m still on a journey trying to figure that one out.  I do know this:  No matter what labels others or I myself may place on me, I am a child of God, created for His purposes.  And for that, I am most grateful.

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Adapting

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I have always been a self-described “adaptable person”.  Enter – move to new house a slight distance from family, in a neighborhood where I don’t know anyone, in a cold house, and for the first time in my life – NO SCHEDULE!  I don’t know what to do.  All adaptableness has fled.  I’m having a huge insecurity moment here.  (Michele, this is the part where you dash to my rescue, because, after all, you get me even when I don’t get myself.)  

Since the time I was 6 the bulk of my day revolved around a specific schedule.  First there was school, then work entered in.  Serious schedule.  A specific time I needed to get up, a specific time I needed to leave the house, I specific time I needed to arrive, and a specific time I got home. 

When I was 22 I moved to the mission for 3 years and didn’t usually have a specific time schedule, but I had specific tasks and I shared an apartment with 3 girls so we in order to not conflict schedules, we at least had a specific meal time schedule which gave a semblance of an over-all schedule.

This past year, I only worked at a traditional job 3 days a week, but 2 days were spent either working on our house of in prep for the trip.

Now. . . . . . . . . . . .  No schedule and only one specific task that needs accomplishing – unpacking.  I’m floundering a bit.  How do you accomplish a job with no schedule or deadline?  That’s all I’ve known the past 23 years of my life.  I think that’s called no stress and THAT’S stressful. 

But I think the part that’s gonna take more adapting for me then the “no schedule”, is the lack of people.  Twelve years of spending 6 1/2 hours in a classroom with other humans.  Fourteen and half years spent in an office where I talked on the phone to countless humans, talked to customers (aka humans), and talked to my co-secretary (yep, she’s also a human). 

So today, I’m grateful that our oven quit working.  A service man is coming to work on it today.  Maybe he’ll talk to me.  Oh, and our railing expert is also coming.  Maybe he’ll talk to me.  And later this afternoon I get to go for a walk with a female human.  Oh, you can only imagine the words that will be spilling forth. 

So my goals for this week, I mean year, or however long it takes me to learn:
– learn to accomplish tasks without a schedule (it might be called discipline?)  Do schedules prevent the learning of discipline?    Hmmm.  Gonna have to ponder that – as I accomplish my task of course. 
– learn to enjoy solitude.  I think there’s a lot of good that can come out of that.   And I think I might, yeah, I just might enjoy that.

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