Journey of Grief

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I didn’t know it would be like this. I feel like I’ve stepped into another world. The territory is uncharted. I don’t know the way. The “old world” that I was a part of came to a screeching halt. Things that were so important 3 days ago, no longer matter.

The way is dark and heavy and feels very lonely at times.  I long for good conversation with her.  The conversations have been reduced to smiles and few words.

When I think of my mother-in-law, the word accepting comes to mind.  She welcomed me into her life with open arms.  She trusted her son to me – her son who himself fought cancer.

Cancer has become a very hated word.  I hate the pain it brought to him.   I hate that it is taking mom away from us.  I want to make it go away.  I want her to walk around her kitchen, to put food on the table for us.  I want her to stand and hold us close.  I want to feel the strong grip of her hand again.  I want her here.  I’m not ready for her to leave us.  I want to spend more time with her so I can become more like her.

So quickly this other world has become normal.  The sound of hushed voices, the oxygen tank pumping away in the corner.  Two months ago, we sat around mom’s table laughing and talking loudly.  Now even our laughter is hushed and so quickly turns to tears.

How did we so quickly transition from normal life, to death being such a reality?

And somehow, in the midst of this strange world, we make it – we survive.  We don’t know the way in this dark unknown place, but Grace keeps us together.

I am content, when I can sit in the room near her and crochet the blue scarf she was teaching me to make two months ago.  I am extremely joyful, when she smiles at me or says she loves me, or squeezes my hand.  I am at rest in the arms of caring friends who mourn with me.  I am at peace, surrounded by family.

We survive, not because we’re super-humans, but because we serve a God who was not surprised by any of this.

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