Texas without Mom

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I had a dream the other night that we were still in Texas and I was cleaning out the fridge and organizing the house and getting it ready for mom to come back.  And in my dream I realized that mom wasn’t coming back.  And I wasn’t sure anymore, what I was getting the house ready for.

We missed her.  Duane, especially much in the first moments.  But I rather quickly felt very comfortable in her kitchen – running her kitchen.  I think it’s actually to her credit.  She always welcomed me in her kitchen and wanted me to feel very at home there.

We miss her, so. We weren't done with her yet. We wanted her to see us "grow-up". We wanted her to be a part of that.

Sometimes I'm jolted with the permanancy of this loss. Some losses can be recovered. This one will not here on this earth.

We adjusted to the new normal fairly quickly there.  But it was the “first” moments.  The wedding and knowing how much mom would have loved everything – the flowers, the dress.  She would have been smiling and laughing and hugging and enjoying.  I missed that.

And then there was the family christmas night.  Last year she was busy serving.  This year she’s dancing with the trinity.  And as happy as we are for her, we’re still sad for us.

The empty chairs next to dad where mom and grandma sat for the christmas program, were stark reminders that so much has changed.  The one sister and the young nephew occupying those two chairs somehow made it less glaring.  Yes, there was something shockingly different this year, but as the family reshuffles and holds onto each other, we move on in this different.  And we celebrate and enjoy one another.  And our hearts hurt, but our hearts are happy, as well.

1 Comment

1 Comment

  1. Jolynn  •  Dec 28, 2011 @6:25 pm

    I like reading your thoughts. Because for me living in the different around here, I forget or tend not to remember so much. Thanks for your words.
    I liked the phrase “We’re happy for her, but sad for us.” – so true!

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