Browsing the blog archives for May, 2012.

The other Anniversary we Commemorated this Week

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It’s not so great, really – this having anniversaries back-to-back.

In fact, on Wednesday as I contemplated all of this, I was frustrated – frustrated that we hadn’t thought to celebrate us, earlier.  Cause the sadness had come with intensity and I was sure it wouldn’t step aside for celebrating.

But it did, it really did.  Come Thursday evening we were really ready to celebrate us.  God, who gives us grace in the hard, gave us grace to step away from the hard for a bit and to truly, truly celelbrate.

Four years, it’s been, him and I.  And we’re so grateful. . .  grateful for what those four years have done to us – how they’ve shaped us, “growed” us.

And I guess I learned that it’s not so bad either, really – this having anniversaries back-to-back.  

We haven’t changed that much in four years – on the outside that is.  I don’t think we even look any younger then.  :)

The inside’s a different story.  I think of who we were four years ago and hardly recognise those people – me anyway.  Duane was pretty mature and “weathered” by life then already.  Me??  I had me a lot of growing up to do – a lot of learning.  I’m grateful for the learning and I want to hope for much more learning, but at times I fear the processes that brings on the learning.  I know I don’t want to stay the same, though, so I guess, bring on the processes – good or bad, easy or difficult.

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We Remembered You

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May 16 will always be a date of importance.  There’s birth dates, first date dates, engagement dates, wedding dates. . .  And then there are death dates.  We remember anniversaries, good or bad.  Today was bad, but it was also good.  Today. . .

We remembered you.

We wanted to go visit your grave like most people do on a first anniversary.  We wanted to be with family, to share stories, to laugh together, to cry together, to heal together.

We wanted to, but we couldn’t.

So we – just the two of us – spent the evening togther sharing stories, laughing, crying, and healing.

We took a walk to 33rd.  We talked of how you loved to spend time with family, how you fully engaged and loved and hugged and laughed.  We remembered that about you.

We had a picnic.  We had those crackers – the gluten-free ones that you liked and we liked too.  They remind us of you.  We ate them, and remembered you.

I wore my hair in that rolled bun thing tonight in honor of a beautiful young woman raising her family in the jungles of Belize.   We remembered your love for beautiful things, your creativity.

We watched the slide-show that your youngest-born labored over to make for your funeral.  We paused it many times to reflect on details your sister Margaret had shared with us, to savor the pictures.

We watched part of the funeral.  We made ourselves cry as we watched ourselves share our hearts at the service where we remembered you.

We came back from 33rd happier then when we left because we had remembered you.  And you make us happy.

We love you, mom!

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Dear Mom

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I never knew that I’d have room in my heart for two mothers, until I met you.  In such a short time you worked your way into mine.  You welcomed me with open arms.  I always felt accepted by you.  It was an honor to be your daughter-in-law.

We always looked forward to visiting Texas and being greeted at the airport by your smiling face and your hugs.

We took a walk with dad tonight along the river.  I imagined what it would have been like if you’d have been along.  I pictured you and I sitting on those benches overlooking the river, while Duane & dad continued to walk.  I imagined how wonderful it would have been to sit and chat – to have another conversation with you.

We wanted so badly to be able to celebrate you today – to send you one of Duane’s home-made cards that you delighted in receiving.  We’re having to learn a new way of celebrating you now that you’re gone.  It’s a hard way and it hurts.  Choosing to celebrate your life, reminds of us of what we are missing – but we choose celebrating anyway – you’re worth it.

Love you & miss you.  Your daughter, Lucy

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Today. . .

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a year ago we got that call.  Many phone calls, actually, but that one call – those words – “We think it’s the beginning of the end”.

a year ago that decision made, trip planned and departed on in less then 3 hours.

a year ago the sadness settled in, took up residence, and decided to stay awhile

a year ago I took that long walk along the river to meet Duane after work, and the attempt to process began

a year ago, through nature – turtles actually – God whispered “I love you”

a year ago, we realized we were losing mom

a year ago, everything changed.

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