We remembered mom.  We remembered our heritage.  It was a wonderful weekend, really.  I knew it would be hard returning to Texas for the first time, but I think it was more healing then hard.  The original plan of the weekend was to celebrate mom and dad’s 50th anniversary, but mom’s passing in May changed all of that.  It seemed like grieving would be replacing our celebration.

Dad told lots of story’s.  We asked lots of questions.  We greived.  We celebrated that day 50 years ago when mom and dad committed their lives for each other and began a life that we are so grateful for.  We enjoyed hearing story’s of dad’s childhood – life in Canada, Mexico, and Belize.  But mostly we enjoyed hearing the parts of his story that included mom.  The part where they started liking each other at much too young of an age (some of the younger grandchildren will use that to their advantage).  The part where dad moved away and for two years they didn’t see each other and wrote letters.  The part where mom moved to Belize also and they began to date.  The parts that caused dad to get a silly smile on his face and he’d turn the question back on the asker, such as “well, what did you do on your dates?”  We like him alot.  We like his story.

And grieving did not replace celebrating.  Oh, to be sure, we grieved.  But we celebrated.  We have so much.

We are family and we celebrate that.

Confusion.  Failure.  Sin.  Guilt.  Hiding.  Fear.  Exposed.  Shame.  Forgiven.  Condemnation.  Punishment.  Shame.  Hiding.  Surviving.  Living.  Secrets.  Hidden.  Fear.  Shame.

Shame for the rest of your life.  Guilt that doesn’t let go.  Fear that the secret will be discovered.

Where is Forgiveness? Where is Grace?

Everyone needs compassion,
A love that’s never failing.
Let Mercy fall on me.

Everyone needs forgiveness,
The kindness of the Savior.
The hope of Nations.

Savior, He can move the mountains
My God is might to save.
He is mighty to save.
Forever, auther of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave.

So take me as you find me,
All my fears and failures.
Fill my life again.

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
And now I surrender.

SURRENDER.

Forgiveness extended.  Salvation offered.  Mercy recieved.  Grace accepted.

GRATEFUL.

Her grip was too strong for her frail body.  I couldn’t take my hand away.  I pried her fingers off of mine as I said good-bye with tears stinging my eyes.  I pried her fingers away as my heart jumbled up into grief.

“She wouldn’t let go,”  I gasped to my husband through the tears.

And I was transported back 4 months. . .

to another bedside.  Another dying dear woman.

We didn’t actually think we’d see her again on earth.  But her ending couldn’t be more different then her daugher-in-laws.  Where the daugher-in-laws life went way too quickly, her life drags on and on.  They thought it was the end so many times, but she pulls through.

Will she still be here in six weeks?  I pray that if she’s still on this earth, that she will be well enough to hold my hand in that strong grip of hers.

Autumn a respite from the heat, but a harbinger of death.  Autumn, the season where excitement for life appears after the draining burden of summer.  Autumn, the prequel to a fight for life.  A prequel to the dark season – the season where death takes over.

And Autumn gives way to winter.  The sadness of winter overtakes the fresh excitement of fall.  The coldness settles in and seems to separate from life.  Deaths grip closes in and life struggles to continue.

I wish Autumn could stay forever in my soul, but Winter takes over.  And I fight for life and desparately resist the sadness of Winter.  But the cold settles in and life seems like a distant memory from the past.

And Autumn does it every time.  It always gives way to Winter.

But underneath the sadness, the coldness, the bleakness -It still remains.  Underneath the blanket of snow in the deepest recesses of my soul, Life remains.  For Life is something I’ve been given, that Winter can never take from me.

May you embrace true Life in the Father today – the sustainer of Life in the Winter.

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;  Blessed be the name of the Lord. This verse came un-invited into my head in the middle of some extreme losses this past year.  I didn’t seek after the verse, it just came.

Could it be that I really mean that?

And so I took the verse and clung to it.  And repeated it and repeated it, till I knew that was what my heart really wanted  - to bless His name.

And when the song “This is the Good Life” went through my head but instead of hearing the words “I lost everything I could ever want”, I heard “I’ve GOT everything I could ever want” I stopped short.  But I knew in an instant that it was true.

This really is “the good life”.  And I really do have everything I could ever want.  Because I know now more then ever that everything I could ever want is wrapped up in the God of the Universe and I have been invited to join His inner circle.

And as I choose to embrace grief, I find more of God – what I really want.

In as much as ye have done it unto the least of these, you have done it unto me.

What does that look like in a culture that COULD do it for themselves, but feels entitled to you doing it for them.  We went to Center City the other day with friends.  We all came prepared with water bottles because we were going to be out for a bit and it was slightly warm.  Immediately upon getting out of the van, a homeless guy came by with a big cup asking if we could fill his cup with water from our water bottles.  We did not oblige him for a couple reasons.  One – there are public places where one can get drinking water.  Two – there are programs available to help you provide for yourself and buy your own water bottle.  I don’t know the reasons you refuse to be a part of these programs, but unless, I know THAT reason, I won’t facilitate you being homeless.  Three – I can’t stand the spirit of entitlement.  JUST BEACAUSE I HAVE IT DOES NOT MEAN I’M OBLIGATED TO GIVE IT TO YOU.

I wonder how often I’m like the homeless person who feels entitled to handouts from anyone who has more then I do.  And maybe I don’t stoop to begging off of my friends.  But do I demand it from God.  Do I demand that He make me happy and give me a good life.

It’s easy for me to see, and even detest, the spirit of entitlement in the homeless.  But so easy for me to ignore it in myself.

My sister-in-law moved to a state half-way across the country. Another friends blog I just read talked about adapting finally after five years. Another friend tells me of the difficulty of adjusting to life in a new community years ago.
And I think of my own situation of moving out of Lancaster to the city of Philadelphia and how it really was never that difficult for me. And I thought maybe the difference is that I’m only an hour and a quarter from home. Could have a lot to do with it. It might be a difference in personallities. Could have a lot to do with it. But maybe it’s simply the culture of the church I moved to. Could have VERY MUCH to do with it. See the church I moved to, is a constantly changing church. As in, the members come and go. People move to Philly to serve a year, maybe two, at the mission. And then they move back to wherever they came from. Oh, some stay around and establish themselves here in the city (and alot have done that lately), but we are used to having new people at our church all the time. So for quite some time, we all felt new (I still do sometimes). Granted, now that a few people have decided to stick around, we have more of a core group of church people vs the constantly changing. And I wonder if the longer we become established, the harder it will be for new mission staff to “fit in” to the culture we create. At this point we all come from different backgrounds, there is no normal, set way to be – fewer expectations.

Now the city culture – that’s an entirely different subject all together.  There are parts of the city culture I never want to adapt too.  Like the part where we stay up all night and have fights at the bar around the corner.  Or the part where we let our kids roam the streets, or the part where we don’t work and we sell drugs to make a living, or the part where seeing a couple walk down the street holding hands is so unusually we all gawk, or the part where we litter and don’t care about the fact that it makes our world ugly and we expect someone else to clean up after us, or the part where we don’t get married, we just make babies and then if we’re the man, we dash off after a couple years or months even.

Yes, I sometimes get tired of that part of the culture.  We went to a coffee shop in an area of town that was more the “culture” we’re used to.  I left feeling so refreshed.  We saw families walking down the streets together (no kids off by themselves even though it was a much safer neighborhood).  And I wondered why we didn’t move to this neighborhood.  And then I remembered, that we didn’t move here to feel complacent and happy and safe and surrounded by a world we love.  We moved here cause we felt called to bring Jesus to the neighborhood.  Could we bring Jesus to the neighborhood in the more refined community?  Absolutely.  Will we move to that neighborhood someday?  Hopefully Maybe.  Are we in the neighborhood where God wants us to be right now?  I believe so.

All that being said, there are things I really like about the city culture as well.  The part where I can walk to the corner store (or the chinese store) in two minutes.  The part where we can survive with one vehicle (cheaper insurance, car maintenance, etc) due to public transit and bikes.  The part where I can walk to the grocery store.  The part where I can sit on my step and find plenty of people to talk to.  The part that, even though we grew up so different, we as neighbors look out for each other and respect each other.  The part where the disc golf place is right around the corner.  The part that there are all kinds of beautiful parks to bike or walk so close by.  And I’ve adapted to the part of the culture where when someone blows their car horn out front to pick you up, you walk to the door, raise your “just a minute” finger,and then take five or ten.  :)  Yep, I’ve got that part of the culture down pat.  The “just a minute” finger can buy you lots of time.

And the things I miss about the previous culture of living on a farm. . .  I think the things I missed can be summed up in one word – SPACE.  I miss it sometimes.

I love cultures, yes I do.  I value diverse experiences, and experiencing other cultures allows me to experience diversity.  And I’m looking forward to experiencing  the Texas culture a bit more, when we relocate for five weeks later this year.  I know, I won’t get the full experience in fives short weeks, but I imagine I’ll have a much clearer picture then I have now.

The most important thing is that this man is by my side as I experience the world.

P.S.  I think it’d be fun to live in a cabin in a woods some day, also.  I’ve got a lot of livin’ to do.

Upon our return from Texas in May, we were greeted by this lovely pile of fruit.

I’ve been thinking alot lately about how to care for people.  When a friend is struggling, do I do something kind for them simply to make myself feel good?  Do I “care” for people so I know I’ve done my part?  Or do people really appreciate when I care?  Does it feel valuable to them.

I know I felt cared for by a simple pile of fruit.  So I’m checking my motives in caring for people.  If it’s just about me doing my Christian duty, I’m totally missing the mark.

I’m so intrigued by that phrase – “Summer vacation”.  I guess what intrigues me is the discovery that quite a few “cultures” of people believe they are entitled to a summer vacation.  If they don’t take a summer vacation, their life just isn’t as good as the next persons.

It was a few years ago when I first realized that “summer vacations” are a big deal.  I had started a new job and summer vacations were a big deal to my co-workers.  I remember the first time I was asked the question of what I was doing for vacation.  I remember thinking, “I didn’t know that I have to plan one.”  I realized pretty quickly, that everyone I worked with had a “vacation” planned for sometime that summer.  I didn’t realize that it was normal to talk about vacation and that EVERYONE had one.

See, growing up “vacation” happened anytime of the year for us.  Oh, there were a number of years that we’d go camping in the summer, but vacation to me was anytime we took a work related trip across the country, staying in motels, eating out, chilling in the back of the cube van on a matress as my dad put miles behind us, stopping at little touristy places along the way.  And those trips happened anytime of the year and for some reason, I remember mostly winter trips.  I didn’t know that summer was synonomous with vacation.

Welcoming the kids to camp

I think over the years, my co-workers have realized that summer vacations are not something I absolutely MUST do, because the question this year was worded more like this:  ”do you have any vacations planned this summer?”  My summer plans went like this:

-Seven days spent in classes at the School of Spiritual Direction in North Carolina in June
-Five days spent directing a summer camp for urban kids last week

Vacation?  Neither of them really were vacations.  Trememdous time of learning?  Yes, yes.  Encouraging time?  Yes, yes, again.

I honestly have to say, I’ve never stood at the brink of summer and contemplated the question “what will we do for summer vacation?”  I have stood at the brink of summer and said, “Oh, I’d love to go the beach sometime this summer.”  I’ve stood at the brink of summer and said, “I hope to be able to get together with friends sometime this summer.”

As an adult, vacations happen whenever they fit the calendar.  Texas vacations usually happen at Christmas.  Family cabin usually happens in the spring.  Anniversary weekends in the spring are fun little vacations.  Family camping happens in September (I think it might still be summer, though) this year.  Our dream vacation to Belize will probably take place in the winter.  And we’re going to the cabin with friends in the fall.

So how important is SUMMER vacation to you?  Do vacations have to happen in the summer for you, or are you ok with anytime of the year.

And with all that said, why do we even think we’re entitled to vacations at all?  Hmm, have to think about that one a bit.

I’m still not exactly sure how the four of us all ended being “hang out with each other every night of the weekend” friends.  But that of course was the old days.  These days we’re scattered, across the country really, and our visit are few and far between.  But we still know how to act like teenagers and stay up till the wee hours of the morning when we gather.

God has blessed me incredibly with such good friends.  The best kind of friends, really.  And they’re not limited to these four, but this post is limited to them.

We started our weekend with a picnic by the river.  Andrew and Sierra chased away the geese anytime they got close.

We went to the Italian Gelateria in memory of our trip to Europe.  Incidentally, none of the people on this picture (save me) were in Europe.  One was on the other side of the camara, one was at the other end of the crowded room, and one had left our presence already (sniff, sniff).

This picture is here to make you think we went sailing all weekend.  We didn’t.  I hope to say that some day, though.

The crew minus Jay and Jolynn who had taken the train out to be with her family

There’s Marie – the practical, down-to-earth, easy to-talk-to one.

Jolynn – the impulsive, fun-loving, inspiring one.

Monica – the sensitive, caring, good-listening one

& then there’s Mary Jane – the one who has way more life experince then any of us.  The one who advised us on husbands.  We all ended up with pretty good men, too.  :)   She feels so much older and wiser (probably cause she is) and we always love to hear her opinion on a matter, be it chuch, husbands, hard things, etc.

Sierra gets acquainted - or is she dancing - with the manaquin.

And maybe I should say something about the husbands.  I’m so thankful that the husbands enjoy each others company.  They all come from different backgrounds, except for the two brothers, but they seem to like gathering as well.  I have to say that they are all men truly after the heart of God.  That was Mary Jane’s first qualification for our husbands.  Another one was “good with finances”.  I think most of our men are Dave Ramsey followers or something equally as radical.  check.

A lovely child, this one is.

I’m so thankful for the friends God has blessed me with.  They’re friends that challenge and inspire me.  They’re friends that fight for me and care.  They’re friends that pursue God and THAT is what makes the friendship so worthwhile.